Today...

Today I came over to hang out with my boyfriend and skipped work, but throughout the time with him, I thought to myself how much I shouldn't have came. Everything always started out great, but then I always wind up getting up tense up or something unideal happens. We had a happy start, with me laying by him while he sleeps. Then it all started when he woke up, and I got annoyed at him for wanting to use the bath towel to wipe his face. Then I yelled at how unappreciated he was, and then I said I won't go to the store with him anymore. He made me more tensed up and annoyed when he just laid in bed, and turned on the TV. I just said out of anger that I didn't want to go to the store, but I did want to go so that I can make him a nice lunch. For some reason, the look on his face at that moment made me felt worse because it felt like he didn't care for me. I started to cry, and I became very emotional the remainder of the day. I started to have episodes of feeling sad, and feeling unwanted.

I asked him again whether he will propose to me, but I always feel like it won't happen. In the past, I was repeatedly turned down by him over and over. My boyfriend would promise me that he will propose to me soon, but then when the time came, he would change his mind. It made me so sad, and it still makes me very sad when I think about it now. Because of what has happened in the past, I am scared that he will hurt me again. Now he says that he will give me the birthday gift I want, but really I don't think it will happen. I don't want what I fear to actually come true, but I can't help feeling like this. It makes me really happy every time I look at wedding planning ideas, engagement rings, or just the thought of co-living with him excites me. I know he's not perfect, but I am not either. I just don't want him to hurt me again. I am so scared and my fear annoys him because I would ask him everyday if he remembers, just to reassure me. I know I can handle living with him, because I love him and I have put my whole heart into building this relationship.
I have asked my boyfriend for this Vera Wang engagement ring, but it is a little too pricey, so I have asked him for a similar one but worth $5999. His budget for me is only $5k, and he told me today if I really like that ring, then he will get it for me since it is one grand over his budget. To me, a wedding ring signifies forever and eternity because the lady will only have one ring,just like one marriage. Not only that, a beautiful ring represents the dedication and devotion the men has put out to look for their significant other. Not only that, a nice ring is something good to invest for the long run. Quality is better than quantity.  

For some reason, I felt ashamed for ruining my boyfriend day. I felt like I made him sad so many times, and I made him annoyed and stressed out too many times. I feel useless and ashamed. I wanted to make a nice lunch for him because I will try to restrict myself from hanging out with too much. I will try my best to be on my own and not reliant on him, but I know its hard. I've always been babied and I know that I need him very much. What if one day he is no longer here?? What if one day he leaves me because he doesn't need me?? I am very scared, and I don't know why. I wish I can always make him happy, but I am useless and I can't. I just have one thing to say and that is I'm sorry.