Today I felt very sad and unhappy with my life. I guess after the talk I had with my boyfriend last night about life, made me feel hopeless and ashamed of where I am now. I feel hopeless because I think my life has no clear pathways. I am currently just a substitute teacher, even though I have already graduated with a B.S. in psychology, but with the crazy job market out here, finding a job with the credentials I have is tough. I don't want to return back to school because I feel like school gives me tremendous stress. Along with worrying about my professional pathway, I'm constantly worried about money. I don't like paying rent to my sister because I wished I can save that money for my personal leisure like going on vacations with my boyfriend or buying me gifts so I won't pester my boyfriend. Then I worried about the relationship with my boyfriend. I always get worried that he won't call me or hang out with me like he said he would. Yesterday we hung out, but I wasn't happy because I wanted him to give me all the attention, and just cuddled with me. Instead, he was too focused on his movie, that I felt neglected. I know I'm wrong to act and feel that way, but I constantly feel scared that my boyfriend will avoid me when he is having one of his sad days. I battled worrying about so many things in my life, and I've become a hypocrite for my own motto, which is to live life.
Today, I was reluctant to go to work because my mind set was feeling unhappy, and I just wanted to drive over to my boyfriend's house and sleep with him. But I didn't do that. Two things came to my mind. First, if I didn't work today,then I wouldn't have my $80 a day. A month I probably less than a grand, but its better than nothing. I thought to myself that losing $80 a day for this month will be a lot, so I said to myself I have to work. Another reason, I decided to work was because of my boyfriend. I wanted to come over today, sleep and cuddle with him, watch him sleep, but I decided not to. Every time I come over his house on a weekday, my boyfriend would be happy to see me, but then for no reason, he would act sad, and shut out on me. I think it's a curse or something bad. I've noticed it happen several times when I spent my weekday mornings at his place, he would then shut me down the following day. I rather have my boyfriend talk on the phone with me everyday, and for him to be happy, then for me to see him one day, and have him shut off on me entirely. Now at work, I feel very tired and I don't feel like I belong here. I belong in a place where I don't feel belittle and small.
Last night my boyfriend mentioned about this girl who liked him back in his hometown, and how he felt sad for her. She was pregnant, but her then boyfriend at the time, left her and the baby. My boyfriend felt bad for her. Sometimes I don't give my boyfriend enough credit like I should. When I heard him talked yesterday, he seemed concern for her. A part of me was feeling jealous because he's my boyfriend. I didn't want him to think, see, feel, or talk with another woman who has no familial ties with him. Then a part of me felt proud and honor to have a boyfriend who is always condsidetate, thoughtful, and kind to others. He is so calm and cool in every way that my boyfriend always worries and always thinks about other people. From that, I know that my boyfriend will be a great husband and father because he's nurturing. However, I do hope that my boyfriend would not love anyone else but me and have a family with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment