When I'm sad...

When I'm sad, it's not because of you.
It's because of the things in my life.
It could be because I had a bad day.
Or because I felt lonely and nothing goes my way.
But regardless why I'm sad, when I tell you I'm sad, I just need to hear one thing.
I don't need to hear you tell me to busy myself like sing.
I don't need to hear you tell me what I should do.

All I wanted to hear from you is to tell me " I love you".
All I wanted to know was that you'll always be here for me, even when  the world turns their back on me.
All I wanted to do was to run to you, and be comforted in your arms.

When I'm sad, all I need is you.
I need your arms to hold me tight, so I feel loved.
When I'm sad, all I need is you.
I need your shoulders for me to lean onto, and maybe for my tears to trickle down.
When I'm sad, all I need is you.
I need your warmth and your love to wash away my tears and my pains.

When I'm sad, please be here for me because you're all I need.
I need you before when I was happy, and I need you the most when I'm sad.
Please don't let me go today just because I am not the same person when I am sad.
When I'm sad, please understand that I really need you more than ever even though my actions may push you away.
I need you to shower me with affection more than ever right now.
Please forgive me if I fail to express myself dutifully as your partner, but I say this now, and I mean it always: I love you and when I'm sad, please don't go.

Yes and No

About two years ago, while I was driving to school, I witnessed an accident, which made me very scared. When I arrived at my building, I called my boyfriend because he was driving home from work. I initiated the subject of marriage with him at that moment. I asked him if he can marry me once I finished my bachelors degree next spring, and he told me at that time "OK". I don't want to lose him, because life is too short. I was afraid I wouldn't have much time with him if something happens to him or me. But when he agreed to marry me the following summer, it made me very happy!!! Yet this happiness only lasted for a week because a week later, my boyfriend told me he wasn't ready. I remembered him saying he doesn't have a house and nothing in his life is situated. Then a week later, he came up to me and said yes again because he has spoken to his dad about me, and apparently his dad agrees to. I remembered it was a Monday morning, and my boyfriend came to tell me that he needs to lose weight. I confusedly asked him "why", and he replied back because he has to be a good looking groom for the wedding in the summer. Again, I was so elated to hear him agree to my proposal. I remembered in the email his dad wrote to me telling my boyfriend to marry me, and we can find a small apartment to all live together, so that my boyfriend can go with me wherever my graduate school takes me. Again, this moment of happiness lasted for a few weeks, and before my boyfriend returned to Iowa to visit his parents, he changed his mind once more. Of course, I was bumped out, but I was still very strong. When he came back from Iowa, I asked him once more, and he said yes!!! This time was more serious. I remembered on New year's day, we went shopping for the perfect ring. I tried on several rings at Zales and Kay, but I fell in love instantly with this Vera Wang split shank ring. It was shiny and beautiful at every angle, but the price tag was ten grand!! My boyfriend said that was too expensive, and there was a cheaper one that was about half the price, with a smaller diamond. Not only did we shopped for the perfect ring, we even googled wedding invitations and I googled the perfect venue for reception. I was head over heels about this new chapter in both of our lives. I have asked my boyfriend to propose to me by Vietnamese new years because it will be double happiness for us. As the new years came, just a day before New years, I asked him where he put my ring, and he said he didn't buy it yet. I started to cry so much because I couldn't believe what I just heard. He said he doesn't have a house, and he doesn't want to live in a small apartment with his dad. We had agreed to buy two small houses instead, so that way we won't have to live with his parents , but he didn't want that either.

I remembered crying so much that night  and neglecting his messages for three days because I was waiting for over a month for him to propose to me, but he disappointed me over and over. He told me once he buys a house, then he will propose to me, but that never happened either. He has bought that house for almost two years now, by this summer, but he hasn't pop the question. Now, with his friends all married and already started building a nice family, I have asked him the same question again in December. I've asked him if he can give me the engagement ring as a birthday gift. He said OK, but somehow I feel scared of his weak sign of agreement. I am very scared that he won't propose to me because I have given him the last ultimatum, which is if he doesn't propose to me by my birthday, then I will break up with him. The truth is, I don't want to break up with him. I want to be with him forever, no matter how many times he has me cried, but I still love him. I am afraid that he will want to break up with me, and leave me all by myself. I am so worried that he won't propose to me that nearly everyday I would ask him if he was going to propose to me by my birthday. Currently he says yes, but maybe a month before my birthday, he will feel unready and he will change his mind like before. I know deep down that it will never ever happen because I know that he isn't ready. I know that I make him stressed out about this issue very much.

Right now, I just feel very sad. I really do want to spend my life with him, no matter what happens, but I know he isn't ready for it. All I can think about are the times in the past when he broke my heart over and over whenever he promised me, but then rejected me. I know it has been almost two years since all of that has happened, but I can't let go of it. Because of what happened, it makes me more doubtful of this summer. I don't want to have my hopes up, and my heart crushed once more for the same reason. All I want to do is beg him to please love me, and not hurt me. Please keep your promise to whatever you say. I am so weak. I don't deal well in these types of situation, making me more vulnerable to being hurt. I wished I can prepare myself for the worst when my birthday comes, and he doesn't propose to me, but I know I can't.

Sometimes when my life is a struggle and a pain like this, I wish I never existed. I wish I was with my parents right now in heaven, and leaving behind sorrows and pains. Life is full of heartaches and pains. Doctors can treat headaches, but no doctors smart enough can treat patients with heartaches, the illness only the culprit can resolve.

Today...

Today I came over to hang out with my boyfriend and skipped work, but throughout the time with him, I thought to myself how much I shouldn't have came. Everything always started out great, but then I always wind up getting up tense up or something unideal happens. We had a happy start, with me laying by him while he sleeps. Then it all started when he woke up, and I got annoyed at him for wanting to use the bath towel to wipe his face. Then I yelled at how unappreciated he was, and then I said I won't go to the store with him anymore. He made me more tensed up and annoyed when he just laid in bed, and turned on the TV. I just said out of anger that I didn't want to go to the store, but I did want to go so that I can make him a nice lunch. For some reason, the look on his face at that moment made me felt worse because it felt like he didn't care for me. I started to cry, and I became very emotional the remainder of the day. I started to have episodes of feeling sad, and feeling unwanted.

I asked him again whether he will propose to me, but I always feel like it won't happen. In the past, I was repeatedly turned down by him over and over. My boyfriend would promise me that he will propose to me soon, but then when the time came, he would change his mind. It made me so sad, and it still makes me very sad when I think about it now. Because of what has happened in the past, I am scared that he will hurt me again. Now he says that he will give me the birthday gift I want, but really I don't think it will happen. I don't want what I fear to actually come true, but I can't help feeling like this. It makes me really happy every time I look at wedding planning ideas, engagement rings, or just the thought of co-living with him excites me. I know he's not perfect, but I am not either. I just don't want him to hurt me again. I am so scared and my fear annoys him because I would ask him everyday if he remembers, just to reassure me. I know I can handle living with him, because I love him and I have put my whole heart into building this relationship.
I have asked my boyfriend for this Vera Wang engagement ring, but it is a little too pricey, so I have asked him for a similar one but worth $5999. His budget for me is only $5k, and he told me today if I really like that ring, then he will get it for me since it is one grand over his budget. To me, a wedding ring signifies forever and eternity because the lady will only have one ring,just like one marriage. Not only that, a beautiful ring represents the dedication and devotion the men has put out to look for their significant other. Not only that, a nice ring is something good to invest for the long run. Quality is better than quantity.  

For some reason, I felt ashamed for ruining my boyfriend day. I felt like I made him sad so many times, and I made him annoyed and stressed out too many times. I feel useless and ashamed. I wanted to make a nice lunch for him because I will try to restrict myself from hanging out with too much. I will try my best to be on my own and not reliant on him, but I know its hard. I've always been babied and I know that I need him very much. What if one day he is no longer here?? What if one day he leaves me because he doesn't need me?? I am very scared, and I don't know why. I wish I can always make him happy, but I am useless and I can't. I just have one thing to say and that is I'm sorry.

Meaning of relationship

A relationship is built on two people who truly loves each other unconditionally. A relationship requires tremendous amount of time, effort, and endless love for each other. Being in a relationship isn't about asking the other person to give us more love or give us happiness, because a relationship requires the work of both partners. We can not be selfish and only ask our partner to give us the love we deserve without giving them the same amount of love back. When we want something, we have to work at it together and move up the rungs of the ladder together. We should know that we can not receive happiness everyday from our partners because there are times when we are feeling down or there are times our partner is feeling down. What we need to know is that we can't give up on each other just because we had a bad day. We need to overlook the past, and hope for a brighter future, but this requires the work of both people. A relationship is a master piece constructed by two people who will continue to try over and over to make their relationship blossom.

I hope that the relationship my boyfriend and I have built together will continue to bloom beautifully even though sometimes we fight and argue. I know sometimes I feel stressed out and very unhappy with this relationship, but I never give up on this relationship. I never once wanted to leave him no matter how unhappy and tired I am, but I don't feel like my boyfriend feels the same. I just ask for this relationship to work, and that we will always love each other. I believe that love is the glue that will hold us together. Love is what makes me determined to keep trying. I love him dearly, and I ask him to try too. No relationship is perfect, and every relationship requires work together.

Relationship part 2

Yesterday when I hung out with my boyfriend, I felt really happy because he showed me he cared for me so much. He was always hugging me, kissing me, and texting with me early morning. I guess he was like that because I was unhappy the past few days, and chose not to answer his phone calls or text messages. At first, I was hesitant to hang out with him because I was not happy and it made me think about our past so much more, but then I caved in. I saw how eager he wanted to hang out with me, and how much he texted me made me soft hearted. Yesterday was not a mistake. I enjoyed my time with him, but today was different.
Today the mood was already off to a bad start because when he came to pick me up, I had made for him a cup of avocado smoothie. I asked him if it was good, but he said it was OK. I was a little upset because I just wanted him to say it was good. It doesn't hurt to lie if it really wasn't good just to make me happy? Before he would always compliment my cookings, but now he doesn't. After he said that, I was annoyed and I told him how he doesn't like anything I make. He was annoyed by it too. This isn't the first time it happened, but its not hard to say it is good. After we went walking around my old neighborhood, we came home and I shared with him some of my feelings. I told him how sometimes I am unhappy in this relationship, and how I felt insecure and lost of trust for him because of the past. I told him how I didn't like putting money in between us. He told me that he never has a break from buying me gifts, which is false. He never ever buys for me Valentines or anniversary gifts all of these years. He just recently took me on a vacation. He doesn't put money in between his family when they are part of his burden financially, with paying for their bills. My boyfriend doesn't understand with the little amount of money I earn, I still don't mind paying for vacations because it's for us and I want us to enjoy the good things together. Then I told him that I think tomorrow he will probably shut me off, and he asked me if I had anything I wanted to talk about tomorrow. I started crying and feeling sad because I realized that no matter what, my boyfriend doesn't understand me.

I am not happy anymore. I am tired of the way he treats me. One minute loving me, and the next minute ignoring me. I can't deal controlling my emotions to make him happy. He always criticize me in his own ways, and he fails to see how much he has hurt me over and over. I don't know how my boyfriend will understand that he has hurt me and made me sad numerous times. I tried to laugh and giggle when I'm with him, but sometimes he say things that are never appropriate and only hurts me. I can't handle with the stress and the pressure of having him treat me like a toy. I wish I can move on. I hold onto this relationship praying it will work because he is my first love. I want to try to make it work, but why I only try? My boyfriend asked me why won't I try to love him more today instead of asking him question if he loves me. When I heard that, I asked him the same. I asked him why can't he show he loves me more, and not ask just me to love him? I felt like my boyfriend thinks of him too highly and that he is too perfect when he said that because if he really loves me, why do I always cry? If he really loves, then why do I always feel sad? He can't show me he loves me, and he expects me to show him I love him more??! Does he not think before he speak? My boyfriend doesn't know how to give me happiness, because he only takes my happiness away from me. I prayed to God so many times asking God to help us have a better relationship, but I still cry and I still feel unhappy. I don't know what to do anymore, but I'm tired. My boyfriend doesn't even understand my needs. He only knows how to make me cry and give me anxiety. I just want to be happy.

My problems

I am still very down about everything. I hate my life. There's not one thing in my life that I am proud of. I do not have a clear professional pathway. I might continue my education and get a masters in psychology, so I don't have to be where I am now. I have found this school that offers online courses for masters in child and adolescent psychology. If I start in July, I might be able to graduate in December of next year. I really love psychology. I love learning about the illnesses of the brain, and how other aspects of our life can trigger such illnesses. My only fear if I decide to take this program is the job market. I am worried that I may not have a stable job, even with a masters. I am hoping with my masters, I can be able to teach at a community college or work in some counseling areas with children. I don't want to spend $25 grand on school, and not have a job. My current bachelors degree doesn't even give the chance to work in my field. Hopefully, if I do get my masters degree in psychology, then I will be able to find a suitable job with a decent income. My second worry is money. I hate subbing, and I dont like being paid so little, given the amount of stress I have to deal with. This month I didn't take up as many jobs because I did not feel happy to work. I think for this month, I will earn about $600. Then I have to subtract out rent money for my sister, and I have to book the hotel. I want to tell my boyfriend to book the hotel first and I will repay him, but I think he will complain to me. A few days ago, I told him to book the tickets, and he was all grumpy. I don't understand why he puts money in between us, and when it is for his family, it is always OK. I have calculated a rough estimate of how much I have to spend from now till June, and I think it will be about $3000. I don't want to work much, but I have so much to pay. My last concern is my relationship with my boyfriend. I don't feel happy and special being with him anymore. He doesn't treat me like when we first dated. I always sense that money has become so important to him. Before he would spoil me even when he said no, but now everything I said will give him stress. He doesn't treat me to things anymore, and always expect that I treat for him. That's why on vacations, he wants me to pay for the hotels. When he is out with his family, he doesn't make them pay hotels or airfares. Instead, he pays for their everything. I know I am not as important as his family, but we have been together for three years. Beside money, I keep thinking about the way my boyfriend treated me every time he is sad. I can still feel the tension and the pain that I endured over and over while waiting for my boyfriend to reply back. I don't feel happy being hurt over and over. I  can't handle it anymore, because every time I think about the time he hurt me, then my heart just breaks into a million pieces. Dating is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I never put that much effort into trying to make him happy, but all he sees are criticism and dislikes from me. I am very tired.

Relationship part 1

For some reason this morning, I felt unhappy because I felt that my boyfriend lies and hurts me about the little things too much. On Sunday, I couldn't stand the tension from having him ignore me and getting upset at me, so I waited till it was 5pm to drive over his house. A part of me already knew he wouldn't be home because it happened so many times. Not surprisedly, when I arrived at his house, his car was not there. I felt horrible because I don't know why he always does this to me. Why does he not care for my feelings when he knows that by ignoring me will put me at more stress. I cried so much while waiting for him. I said I will only wait for him for an hour, till 6pm. At 5:30pm, I called him, but he didn't pick up. All I could be thinking was why he treats me like I am a commodity? I texted him many times, and he finally texted back saying he was on his way home. As I was laying in the study room waiting, I was thinking about the tremendous amount of stress and unhappiness he has given me repeatedly. I don't have the courage to leave this relationship, to leave him. If he really love me, then he wouldn't hurt me many times. If he really love me, then he would know what these holidays mean to me. If he really love me, then tears drops would never exist. I never once felt special in this relationship. I never once felt I was important to him, that I was his world. I always envied the treatments he gives to his family, buying them gifts when he always tells me he never buys for them gifts, and never hurting them. Sometimes when I see that my boyfriend buys for his family gifts, I would be mad and sad because when I ask for it, he always say he doesn't have money.

My heart and mind was torn that Sunday about staying or going home. A part of me wanted to go, and forget everything that ever happened because I had enough of the crying, enough of the anxiety, and enough of the headaches, but then a part of me decided to stay with him and cheer him up, comfort him about the beauty of this relationship. I came to him, asking him why he was sad, and comforting him that as long as we try, then this relationship will work out. As I sat there to assure my boyfriend that I am happy, that I am sorry, and that everything will be OK, my boyfriend still had his doubt. I don't know if this relationship will work, but I know that we both have to put in more effort. I know that he has to show me he loves me more than what he is doing now. I know that I want to stop crying because my mind and heart hurt, and I lose control. I want to be his world. I want him to build a life with him, but it all seems impossible because of his family. He's too stress where his mom will be living since his sister is moving, and his parents don't get along. He's too stress for paying all the bills, for his family and for himself. This is why he takes it on me, when I ask to go somewhere or buy something. That makes me feel unimportant to him because at least I help pay the trips, and he has stopped giving me gifts. His sister doesn't even pay her own car insurance or phone bill, just because she is still in school. But when she's done with school, is she going to pay for him or her parents?? No! I don't like it how he takes the blame on me. With all the problems he's having, it will take him awhile to have his life organize.

All I feel now is that I am sad because of him repeatedly ignoring me when he's unhappy, blaming me for things he can control, and hurting me over and over. I hope this relationship will work because I have put in a lot of effort to be the woman he wants. I know that sometimes I can be mean, but I never shut down on him or hurt him. I have done so much for him, that throwing away this love will be a waste.  I think my boyfriend knows that he has hurt me, but he doesn't know how to mend my wounds. I just hope he will understand that this relationship takes two people, and everything he do, he should think twice. He should treat me the way he wants to be treated by me, no lying, no blaming, no ignoring. I think it will be long till my boyfriend understands how to be the partner I need.