Relationship part 1

For some reason this morning, I felt unhappy because I felt that my boyfriend lies and hurts me about the little things too much. On Sunday, I couldn't stand the tension from having him ignore me and getting upset at me, so I waited till it was 5pm to drive over his house. A part of me already knew he wouldn't be home because it happened so many times. Not surprisedly, when I arrived at his house, his car was not there. I felt horrible because I don't know why he always does this to me. Why does he not care for my feelings when he knows that by ignoring me will put me at more stress. I cried so much while waiting for him. I said I will only wait for him for an hour, till 6pm. At 5:30pm, I called him, but he didn't pick up. All I could be thinking was why he treats me like I am a commodity? I texted him many times, and he finally texted back saying he was on his way home. As I was laying in the study room waiting, I was thinking about the tremendous amount of stress and unhappiness he has given me repeatedly. I don't have the courage to leave this relationship, to leave him. If he really love me, then he wouldn't hurt me many times. If he really love me, then he would know what these holidays mean to me. If he really love me, then tears drops would never exist. I never once felt special in this relationship. I never once felt I was important to him, that I was his world. I always envied the treatments he gives to his family, buying them gifts when he always tells me he never buys for them gifts, and never hurting them. Sometimes when I see that my boyfriend buys for his family gifts, I would be mad and sad because when I ask for it, he always say he doesn't have money.

My heart and mind was torn that Sunday about staying or going home. A part of me wanted to go, and forget everything that ever happened because I had enough of the crying, enough of the anxiety, and enough of the headaches, but then a part of me decided to stay with him and cheer him up, comfort him about the beauty of this relationship. I came to him, asking him why he was sad, and comforting him that as long as we try, then this relationship will work out. As I sat there to assure my boyfriend that I am happy, that I am sorry, and that everything will be OK, my boyfriend still had his doubt. I don't know if this relationship will work, but I know that we both have to put in more effort. I know that he has to show me he loves me more than what he is doing now. I know that I want to stop crying because my mind and heart hurt, and I lose control. I want to be his world. I want him to build a life with him, but it all seems impossible because of his family. He's too stress where his mom will be living since his sister is moving, and his parents don't get along. He's too stress for paying all the bills, for his family and for himself. This is why he takes it on me, when I ask to go somewhere or buy something. That makes me feel unimportant to him because at least I help pay the trips, and he has stopped giving me gifts. His sister doesn't even pay her own car insurance or phone bill, just because she is still in school. But when she's done with school, is she going to pay for him or her parents?? No! I don't like it how he takes the blame on me. With all the problems he's having, it will take him awhile to have his life organize.

All I feel now is that I am sad because of him repeatedly ignoring me when he's unhappy, blaming me for things he can control, and hurting me over and over. I hope this relationship will work because I have put in a lot of effort to be the woman he wants. I know that sometimes I can be mean, but I never shut down on him or hurt him. I have done so much for him, that throwing away this love will be a waste.  I think my boyfriend knows that he has hurt me, but he doesn't know how to mend my wounds. I just hope he will understand that this relationship takes two people, and everything he do, he should think twice. He should treat me the way he wants to be treated by me, no lying, no blaming, no ignoring. I think it will be long till my boyfriend understands how to be the partner I need.