Yes and No

About two years ago, while I was driving to school, I witnessed an accident, which made me very scared. When I arrived at my building, I called my boyfriend because he was driving home from work. I initiated the subject of marriage with him at that moment. I asked him if he can marry me once I finished my bachelors degree next spring, and he told me at that time "OK". I don't want to lose him, because life is too short. I was afraid I wouldn't have much time with him if something happens to him or me. But when he agreed to marry me the following summer, it made me very happy!!! Yet this happiness only lasted for a week because a week later, my boyfriend told me he wasn't ready. I remembered him saying he doesn't have a house and nothing in his life is situated. Then a week later, he came up to me and said yes again because he has spoken to his dad about me, and apparently his dad agrees to. I remembered it was a Monday morning, and my boyfriend came to tell me that he needs to lose weight. I confusedly asked him "why", and he replied back because he has to be a good looking groom for the wedding in the summer. Again, I was so elated to hear him agree to my proposal. I remembered in the email his dad wrote to me telling my boyfriend to marry me, and we can find a small apartment to all live together, so that my boyfriend can go with me wherever my graduate school takes me. Again, this moment of happiness lasted for a few weeks, and before my boyfriend returned to Iowa to visit his parents, he changed his mind once more. Of course, I was bumped out, but I was still very strong. When he came back from Iowa, I asked him once more, and he said yes!!! This time was more serious. I remembered on New year's day, we went shopping for the perfect ring. I tried on several rings at Zales and Kay, but I fell in love instantly with this Vera Wang split shank ring. It was shiny and beautiful at every angle, but the price tag was ten grand!! My boyfriend said that was too expensive, and there was a cheaper one that was about half the price, with a smaller diamond. Not only did we shopped for the perfect ring, we even googled wedding invitations and I googled the perfect venue for reception. I was head over heels about this new chapter in both of our lives. I have asked my boyfriend to propose to me by Vietnamese new years because it will be double happiness for us. As the new years came, just a day before New years, I asked him where he put my ring, and he said he didn't buy it yet. I started to cry so much because I couldn't believe what I just heard. He said he doesn't have a house, and he doesn't want to live in a small apartment with his dad. We had agreed to buy two small houses instead, so that way we won't have to live with his parents , but he didn't want that either.

I remembered crying so much that night  and neglecting his messages for three days because I was waiting for over a month for him to propose to me, but he disappointed me over and over. He told me once he buys a house, then he will propose to me, but that never happened either. He has bought that house for almost two years now, by this summer, but he hasn't pop the question. Now, with his friends all married and already started building a nice family, I have asked him the same question again in December. I've asked him if he can give me the engagement ring as a birthday gift. He said OK, but somehow I feel scared of his weak sign of agreement. I am very scared that he won't propose to me because I have given him the last ultimatum, which is if he doesn't propose to me by my birthday, then I will break up with him. The truth is, I don't want to break up with him. I want to be with him forever, no matter how many times he has me cried, but I still love him. I am afraid that he will want to break up with me, and leave me all by myself. I am so worried that he won't propose to me that nearly everyday I would ask him if he was going to propose to me by my birthday. Currently he says yes, but maybe a month before my birthday, he will feel unready and he will change his mind like before. I know deep down that it will never ever happen because I know that he isn't ready. I know that I make him stressed out about this issue very much.

Right now, I just feel very sad. I really do want to spend my life with him, no matter what happens, but I know he isn't ready for it. All I can think about are the times in the past when he broke my heart over and over whenever he promised me, but then rejected me. I know it has been almost two years since all of that has happened, but I can't let go of it. Because of what happened, it makes me more doubtful of this summer. I don't want to have my hopes up, and my heart crushed once more for the same reason. All I want to do is beg him to please love me, and not hurt me. Please keep your promise to whatever you say. I am so weak. I don't deal well in these types of situation, making me more vulnerable to being hurt. I wished I can prepare myself for the worst when my birthday comes, and he doesn't propose to me, but I know I can't.

Sometimes when my life is a struggle and a pain like this, I wish I never existed. I wish I was with my parents right now in heaven, and leaving behind sorrows and pains. Life is full of heartaches and pains. Doctors can treat headaches, but no doctors smart enough can treat patients with heartaches, the illness only the culprit can resolve.

Today...

Today I came over to hang out with my boyfriend and skipped work, but throughout the time with him, I thought to myself how much I shouldn't have came. Everything always started out great, but then I always wind up getting up tense up or something unideal happens. We had a happy start, with me laying by him while he sleeps. Then it all started when he woke up, and I got annoyed at him for wanting to use the bath towel to wipe his face. Then I yelled at how unappreciated he was, and then I said I won't go to the store with him anymore. He made me more tensed up and annoyed when he just laid in bed, and turned on the TV. I just said out of anger that I didn't want to go to the store, but I did want to go so that I can make him a nice lunch. For some reason, the look on his face at that moment made me felt worse because it felt like he didn't care for me. I started to cry, and I became very emotional the remainder of the day. I started to have episodes of feeling sad, and feeling unwanted.

I asked him again whether he will propose to me, but I always feel like it won't happen. In the past, I was repeatedly turned down by him over and over. My boyfriend would promise me that he will propose to me soon, but then when the time came, he would change his mind. It made me so sad, and it still makes me very sad when I think about it now. Because of what has happened in the past, I am scared that he will hurt me again. Now he says that he will give me the birthday gift I want, but really I don't think it will happen. I don't want what I fear to actually come true, but I can't help feeling like this. It makes me really happy every time I look at wedding planning ideas, engagement rings, or just the thought of co-living with him excites me. I know he's not perfect, but I am not either. I just don't want him to hurt me again. I am so scared and my fear annoys him because I would ask him everyday if he remembers, just to reassure me. I know I can handle living with him, because I love him and I have put my whole heart into building this relationship.
I have asked my boyfriend for this Vera Wang engagement ring, but it is a little too pricey, so I have asked him for a similar one but worth $5999. His budget for me is only $5k, and he told me today if I really like that ring, then he will get it for me since it is one grand over his budget. To me, a wedding ring signifies forever and eternity because the lady will only have one ring,just like one marriage. Not only that, a beautiful ring represents the dedication and devotion the men has put out to look for their significant other. Not only that, a nice ring is something good to invest for the long run. Quality is better than quantity.  

For some reason, I felt ashamed for ruining my boyfriend day. I felt like I made him sad so many times, and I made him annoyed and stressed out too many times. I feel useless and ashamed. I wanted to make a nice lunch for him because I will try to restrict myself from hanging out with too much. I will try my best to be on my own and not reliant on him, but I know its hard. I've always been babied and I know that I need him very much. What if one day he is no longer here?? What if one day he leaves me because he doesn't need me?? I am very scared, and I don't know why. I wish I can always make him happy, but I am useless and I can't. I just have one thing to say and that is I'm sorry.

Meaning of relationship

A relationship is built on two people who truly loves each other unconditionally. A relationship requires tremendous amount of time, effort, and endless love for each other. Being in a relationship isn't about asking the other person to give us more love or give us happiness, because a relationship requires the work of both partners. We can not be selfish and only ask our partner to give us the love we deserve without giving them the same amount of love back. When we want something, we have to work at it together and move up the rungs of the ladder together. We should know that we can not receive happiness everyday from our partners because there are times when we are feeling down or there are times our partner is feeling down. What we need to know is that we can't give up on each other just because we had a bad day. We need to overlook the past, and hope for a brighter future, but this requires the work of both people. A relationship is a master piece constructed by two people who will continue to try over and over to make their relationship blossom.

I hope that the relationship my boyfriend and I have built together will continue to bloom beautifully even though sometimes we fight and argue. I know sometimes I feel stressed out and very unhappy with this relationship, but I never give up on this relationship. I never once wanted to leave him no matter how unhappy and tired I am, but I don't feel like my boyfriend feels the same. I just ask for this relationship to work, and that we will always love each other. I believe that love is the glue that will hold us together. Love is what makes me determined to keep trying. I love him dearly, and I ask him to try too. No relationship is perfect, and every relationship requires work together.

Relationship part 2

Yesterday when I hung out with my boyfriend, I felt really happy because he showed me he cared for me so much. He was always hugging me, kissing me, and texting with me early morning. I guess he was like that because I was unhappy the past few days, and chose not to answer his phone calls or text messages. At first, I was hesitant to hang out with him because I was not happy and it made me think about our past so much more, but then I caved in. I saw how eager he wanted to hang out with me, and how much he texted me made me soft hearted. Yesterday was not a mistake. I enjoyed my time with him, but today was different.
Today the mood was already off to a bad start because when he came to pick me up, I had made for him a cup of avocado smoothie. I asked him if it was good, but he said it was OK. I was a little upset because I just wanted him to say it was good. It doesn't hurt to lie if it really wasn't good just to make me happy? Before he would always compliment my cookings, but now he doesn't. After he said that, I was annoyed and I told him how he doesn't like anything I make. He was annoyed by it too. This isn't the first time it happened, but its not hard to say it is good. After we went walking around my old neighborhood, we came home and I shared with him some of my feelings. I told him how sometimes I am unhappy in this relationship, and how I felt insecure and lost of trust for him because of the past. I told him how I didn't like putting money in between us. He told me that he never has a break from buying me gifts, which is false. He never ever buys for me Valentines or anniversary gifts all of these years. He just recently took me on a vacation. He doesn't put money in between his family when they are part of his burden financially, with paying for their bills. My boyfriend doesn't understand with the little amount of money I earn, I still don't mind paying for vacations because it's for us and I want us to enjoy the good things together. Then I told him that I think tomorrow he will probably shut me off, and he asked me if I had anything I wanted to talk about tomorrow. I started crying and feeling sad because I realized that no matter what, my boyfriend doesn't understand me.

I am not happy anymore. I am tired of the way he treats me. One minute loving me, and the next minute ignoring me. I can't deal controlling my emotions to make him happy. He always criticize me in his own ways, and he fails to see how much he has hurt me over and over. I don't know how my boyfriend will understand that he has hurt me and made me sad numerous times. I tried to laugh and giggle when I'm with him, but sometimes he say things that are never appropriate and only hurts me. I can't handle with the stress and the pressure of having him treat me like a toy. I wish I can move on. I hold onto this relationship praying it will work because he is my first love. I want to try to make it work, but why I only try? My boyfriend asked me why won't I try to love him more today instead of asking him question if he loves me. When I heard that, I asked him the same. I asked him why can't he show he loves me more, and not ask just me to love him? I felt like my boyfriend thinks of him too highly and that he is too perfect when he said that because if he really loves me, why do I always cry? If he really loves, then why do I always feel sad? He can't show me he loves me, and he expects me to show him I love him more??! Does he not think before he speak? My boyfriend doesn't know how to give me happiness, because he only takes my happiness away from me. I prayed to God so many times asking God to help us have a better relationship, but I still cry and I still feel unhappy. I don't know what to do anymore, but I'm tired. My boyfriend doesn't even understand my needs. He only knows how to make me cry and give me anxiety. I just want to be happy.

My problems

I am still very down about everything. I hate my life. There's not one thing in my life that I am proud of. I do not have a clear professional pathway. I might continue my education and get a masters in psychology, so I don't have to be where I am now. I have found this school that offers online courses for masters in child and adolescent psychology. If I start in July, I might be able to graduate in December of next year. I really love psychology. I love learning about the illnesses of the brain, and how other aspects of our life can trigger such illnesses. My only fear if I decide to take this program is the job market. I am worried that I may not have a stable job, even with a masters. I am hoping with my masters, I can be able to teach at a community college or work in some counseling areas with children. I don't want to spend $25 grand on school, and not have a job. My current bachelors degree doesn't even give the chance to work in my field. Hopefully, if I do get my masters degree in psychology, then I will be able to find a suitable job with a decent income. My second worry is money. I hate subbing, and I dont like being paid so little, given the amount of stress I have to deal with. This month I didn't take up as many jobs because I did not feel happy to work. I think for this month, I will earn about $600. Then I have to subtract out rent money for my sister, and I have to book the hotel. I want to tell my boyfriend to book the hotel first and I will repay him, but I think he will complain to me. A few days ago, I told him to book the tickets, and he was all grumpy. I don't understand why he puts money in between us, and when it is for his family, it is always OK. I have calculated a rough estimate of how much I have to spend from now till June, and I think it will be about $3000. I don't want to work much, but I have so much to pay. My last concern is my relationship with my boyfriend. I don't feel happy and special being with him anymore. He doesn't treat me like when we first dated. I always sense that money has become so important to him. Before he would spoil me even when he said no, but now everything I said will give him stress. He doesn't treat me to things anymore, and always expect that I treat for him. That's why on vacations, he wants me to pay for the hotels. When he is out with his family, he doesn't make them pay hotels or airfares. Instead, he pays for their everything. I know I am not as important as his family, but we have been together for three years. Beside money, I keep thinking about the way my boyfriend treated me every time he is sad. I can still feel the tension and the pain that I endured over and over while waiting for my boyfriend to reply back. I don't feel happy being hurt over and over. I  can't handle it anymore, because every time I think about the time he hurt me, then my heart just breaks into a million pieces. Dating is the hardest thing I ever had to do. I never put that much effort into trying to make him happy, but all he sees are criticism and dislikes from me. I am very tired.

Relationship part 1

For some reason this morning, I felt unhappy because I felt that my boyfriend lies and hurts me about the little things too much. On Sunday, I couldn't stand the tension from having him ignore me and getting upset at me, so I waited till it was 5pm to drive over his house. A part of me already knew he wouldn't be home because it happened so many times. Not surprisedly, when I arrived at his house, his car was not there. I felt horrible because I don't know why he always does this to me. Why does he not care for my feelings when he knows that by ignoring me will put me at more stress. I cried so much while waiting for him. I said I will only wait for him for an hour, till 6pm. At 5:30pm, I called him, but he didn't pick up. All I could be thinking was why he treats me like I am a commodity? I texted him many times, and he finally texted back saying he was on his way home. As I was laying in the study room waiting, I was thinking about the tremendous amount of stress and unhappiness he has given me repeatedly. I don't have the courage to leave this relationship, to leave him. If he really love me, then he wouldn't hurt me many times. If he really love me, then he would know what these holidays mean to me. If he really love me, then tears drops would never exist. I never once felt special in this relationship. I never once felt I was important to him, that I was his world. I always envied the treatments he gives to his family, buying them gifts when he always tells me he never buys for them gifts, and never hurting them. Sometimes when I see that my boyfriend buys for his family gifts, I would be mad and sad because when I ask for it, he always say he doesn't have money.

My heart and mind was torn that Sunday about staying or going home. A part of me wanted to go, and forget everything that ever happened because I had enough of the crying, enough of the anxiety, and enough of the headaches, but then a part of me decided to stay with him and cheer him up, comfort him about the beauty of this relationship. I came to him, asking him why he was sad, and comforting him that as long as we try, then this relationship will work out. As I sat there to assure my boyfriend that I am happy, that I am sorry, and that everything will be OK, my boyfriend still had his doubt. I don't know if this relationship will work, but I know that we both have to put in more effort. I know that he has to show me he loves me more than what he is doing now. I know that I want to stop crying because my mind and heart hurt, and I lose control. I want to be his world. I want him to build a life with him, but it all seems impossible because of his family. He's too stress where his mom will be living since his sister is moving, and his parents don't get along. He's too stress for paying all the bills, for his family and for himself. This is why he takes it on me, when I ask to go somewhere or buy something. That makes me feel unimportant to him because at least I help pay the trips, and he has stopped giving me gifts. His sister doesn't even pay her own car insurance or phone bill, just because she is still in school. But when she's done with school, is she going to pay for him or her parents?? No! I don't like it how he takes the blame on me. With all the problems he's having, it will take him awhile to have his life organize.

All I feel now is that I am sad because of him repeatedly ignoring me when he's unhappy, blaming me for things he can control, and hurting me over and over. I hope this relationship will work because I have put in a lot of effort to be the woman he wants. I know that sometimes I can be mean, but I never shut down on him or hurt him. I have done so much for him, that throwing away this love will be a waste.  I think my boyfriend knows that he has hurt me, but he doesn't know how to mend my wounds. I just hope he will understand that this relationship takes two people, and everything he do, he should think twice. He should treat me the way he wants to be treated by me, no lying, no blaming, no ignoring. I think it will be long till my boyfriend understands how to be the partner I need.

Tonight I am...

Today I am extremely sad because my boyfriend didn't want to see me or talk to me. Although I have texted saying how apologetic I felt, my boyfriend still did not forgive and forget this situation entirely. The tone he texted me was cold and very much like a stranger. He didn't want to see me, even when I have told him that we can see each other later tonight. I wanted him to see my new haircut. Then later in the evenings, things got worse. In the mornings, he would respond back with his limited reponsd, but around 8pm when I texted him, he never even reply back to any of my texts. I texted him a few messages every hour until 11pm, asking him to say something, but he just won't. He knows when he doesn't reply back and ignores me, then it makes me tense out. I texted him, and asked him to say that he doesn't want to talk to me, but he didn't even. The last time my boyfriend did this me, he promised he wouldn't do it again. I really don't understand why he has to make it a big deal, when I've expressly said how sorry I was. On top of that, my boyfriend just doesn't want to talk about it. Now, I'm laying Here, waiting for him to reply back. I know that he won't, but I just hope that he will. I am telling myself that maybe he is busy for the last few hours. Maybe he is downstairs in his study room. Maybe he didn't charge his phone. Maybe he went somewhere and left his phone home. But I know that the truth is, he's probably right next to his phone like I am to mine. I didn't expect my Saturday to turn out this at all.

Now, I can't help but think about two months ago when he did a week before his birthday because he was stressed out that I kept pressuring him into marriage. I remembered that Sunday morning, I texted him about marriage. That Sunday afternoon, I expected him to come home and texted me so we can hang out, but he didn't. So I texted him, but no replies. I called, and he didn't pick up. My mind and body was racing with each other because I was so tense out. I decided to drive over to his place, but he wasn't home. I waited for almost an hour and a half, when he finally came home. I was sitting in my car, crying and trying my best to slit my wrist with the broken perfume rollerblade bottle I carry with me. But that wasn't the first time, he has done this to me about 5 times already, and he knows I can't take the tension. Similarly, I am experiencing the same feeling building up, and I can't go to sleep. I can't do anything. I don't know what to do. I don't know why it turned so ugly because of one night. I don't know why everything has to be my fault. I don't know why he won't text me back at all.

Now, I feel so sad that my mind can't sleep because I'm worried that if I sleep, he might text me back. I'm worried that our relationship will go downhill because my boyfriend always think negative thoughts. I am worried my boyfriend will have second thoughts. I just wished he would text me back, and tell me he's not mad at me, and that he wants to hug me so much. I wished he would text me, and say something. I can't handle him treating me like this when he's down. This only hurts me more and more, and hurts our relationship. What I did was accidental, out of anger, but this intentional. I get a feeling he doesn't want to see me tomorrow either.

My Valentines Night

My Valentines night started when my boyfriend picked me up around 7:45pm to go eat. I was already dressed up waiting for him. When I sat down in the car, he surprised me with a box of chocolate and a pink teddy bear. I wanted to try this Brazilian steakhouse, so my boyfriend and I were on our way there, but things became sour shortly after I got in the car after my boyfriend said something. He said how these occasions made him nervous, and going out to eat made him nervous because he knew he wasn't romantic and he knew that I would be complaining afterwards. When I heard him say that, I was unhappy and my mood just changed. Valentines day is a special day where couples go out to eat somewhere special, give cute gifts of affection. What is there to be nervous about? It felt like he blamed me for putting him through this. If he didn't me, then I'm sure there are other women out there who thinks valentines day is an important day to celebrate the day for lovers. I tried to remain calm, and chose not to talk to him. Then I realized how sad he looks, so I grabbed his hands and told him to not be nervous because I will still love him. Then another round of disappointment came when he got to the restaurant. My boyfriend just sat in the car thinking whether we should eat there for a few minutes when he could have just taken a number and think later. I really wanted to go eat at that place because I heard it was good, but my boyfriend said to eat somewhere else. We went to Outback Steakhouse to eat, and we waited for about 45 minutes until it was our turn. During that whole time, I don't know why I started to feel sad that this Valentines day was beginning to go downhill. I felt like my boyfriend couldn't for once planned something special for us. I felt just as horrible as our first valentines together. When we were eating, I didn't feel like talking with my boyfriend much because I was really unhappy. He didn't want to take me to Amy's to pick up my strawberries I had pre order. I didn't tell him I had pre order strawberries, but I did tell him that I wanted to pick something up. He didn't give me the camera that I have been waiting and begging for. It didn't even cost much, but my boyfriend always complain that it's too much money. I wished he would have given me something better than those chocolate that I never eat. My sister's fiancée gave her a pair of dangling Tiffany's earrings, and when I saw that, I envied her. I wished my boyfriend would buy me the things I want. I guess that was part of the reason I was unhappy because I saw how nice my sister's fiancée treats her, and here my boyfriend won't even buy for me a $70 camera. I don't understand why my boyfriend has  become rather stingy towards me. Then last night I told him if he can use the money he kept from me to buy me that camera, so I can still show off to my sisters, but he didn't reply back.

I shouldn't have expected so much from my boyfriend, a person who doesn't know how to be romantic, and a person who acts like a grandpa in a young body. I know that I said I will not expect much from my boyfriend, but I just wanted a nice and romantic valentines and to receive the gifts I want. When my boyfriend took me home, I didn't even take the chocolate and bear he gave me. I told him that it was ok. I didn't want those things. I don't like that chocolate and I don't like bears. It will just go into the dumpster like the flowers he had bought for me on the first valentines, so it's better that he just keep it. After sleeping on it, I realized what I have done may have pushed the boundaries a little too much. So early this morning I texted my boyfriend to apologize to him for my selfishness act. I told him if he forgives me, then please text me back and if he didn't, then I know he's still mad at me. However, I get a feeling that he won't reply back to me and I know that today he will ask to be alone. I know my boyfriend well, and I know that he is hurt and unhappy with how I've treated him, and not taken his gifts. Well, if he doesn't want to see me today, then I guess I deserves it. I should have been thankful that he took the time to take me out to eat. I should have appreciated his goodwill, but I was mad for waiting and not getting the gift I wanted. I guess this weekend we won't hang out, but maybe he will feel better next week to hang out with me.

Today's time

Today, I broke the rule that I had said no to before. I decided last night that today I would come over at 7am to visit and sleep with my boyfriend. I know that I shouldn't because it's a weekday, and I'm afraid of him shutting out on me the next day. But I wanted to hug him a lot, and I did miss him. Plus, tomorrow's valentines day, so I thought he couldn't possibly shut me down right? We had a nice morning, cuddling and hugging each other. I enjoy hugging him, and laying next to him. He makes me feel warm, and happy just hugging him. We had a nice and simple lunch at Chick-fil-a, and wandered around Target to buy some snacks. We came home to more cuddling, and hugging before he had to go to work 2pm. But maybe I was right after all with the curse, and the fact that he always shuts down on me after he sees me on a weekday. Normally, on a weekday during his lunch break, he would call me, so we can about half an hour to talk, but today, he texted me shortly after he went to lunch, and said he won't call me. I kind of expected this result to have had happen, but I just don't understand what or why my boyfriend does what he does. Does he think that hanging out in the morning before work is sufficient, and no little chat will make it better? Does he think that he only will call me on days we don't see each other. I was kind of prepared for this, and I am prepared for this weekend. I know the more we hang out everyday, the more tired and stress out my boyfriend will be. I don't think next week we will hang out because of this week, we would have seen each other for four days. I rather have him miss me, show me he miss me, text me when he can't call me than to ignore me or leave me hanging because he had enough of me. Last night, he still said he miss me, and that he wanted to see me. Are guys like this? Do all guys treat their girlfriends like this? I am not a commodity. I have feelings. When I miss him, I want to hug him. When I want to hear him talk, I call him. But I don't mind, seeing or talking on the phone with him everyday, but he does. Before when we first dated, he made the time to call and text me everyday, regardless of how busy or how many times we have seen each other. Now, he doesn't show me that same kind of special treatment anymore. It kind of made me sad when he texted me that, but I decided to keep quiet and not bother to text him back. I feel like my boyfriend does this all time to me, and he just makes me sad because he makes me feel as if he doesn't want me. I tried to tell him this before, but he wouldn't listen. He would sigh because he's so tired of me complaining and expressing how I feel. I guess he will never understands how I feel, and what I want. I don't know how he feels because he never steps forward to tell me. Sometimes, I feel frustrated with everything, and I thought that I can keep myself busy to reduce it all, but it's not easy. I just hope he will always love me, and make me his wife . That to me is more  important than anything in this world. I will just learn to hide my own problems from him, so that he can be happy and not stress out.

Jealousy

Jealousy is a strong feeling we have against someone for what they are blessed with in life, making us envy them with our green eyes, and failing to realize how blessed we are. Jealousy is often portrayed as a looking glass. When we look through the glass, we see the finer things in life they have that we wished we could have. We fail to appreciate the finer things in our lives, and fail to realize the reciprocated effect that others feel about our lives. Jealousy only builds, and accumulates each day, if we continue to live our life comparing what our friends and families have. Despite the fact that jealousy is an evil feeling, it is hard to get rid of, and everyone in this world possesses some amount of jealousy towards someone else they know because we are humans.
It is impossible to go on and believe that we are never jealous of someone else because jealousy has its goods as well. With jealousy, we become more motivated to be better, and we strive for the best, in order to compete with others for the higher reign in life.

With my life the way it is now, I do envy and become jealous of my sisters and the people around me. For starters, I'm jealous of my best friend, who has been my best friend for ten years now. I'm jealous of her easy and carefree lifestyle. Her dad owns a tae-kwon-do martial art school, and she helps him everyday. She doesn't have a real job because when she used to work as a hair stylist, she complained of the busy and hectic lifestyle of real work. She basically threw away $20 grand worth of beauty school, just because she was no longer interested in working. Her parents pay for her school tuitions, and for her new car. She currently goes to a community college, with no real degree plan in mind. She just wants to go to school to not be bored at home. I am jealous that my best friend doesn't have to worry about money like I constantly do. I'm jealous how she doesn't have to work, but still have a new car to drive, while I'm here working $10 per hour everyday in an 1999 Accord. Even my boyfriend's sister drives a newer and better car than me, thanks to him.  I am jealous that her family doesn't push her to do something she doesn't like doing. I'm jealous of the warmth her family provides her, and the maternal love she receives from her mom. Sometimes, I wished I had her life. I wouldn't have to calculate my expenses every month to see if I have spent over my budget. I wouldn't have to worry about what professions I should seek. I wouldn't have to cry when I don't support from my family. Her life seems so picture perfect to me.

Besides my best friend, I am jealous of my second and third oldest sisters. My second oldest sister is happily married to my brother in law for almost twelve years now. Yes, they have their moments when they fight and argue, but through it all, they are still strong. My brother in law places my sister as his number one priority. He spoils her endlessly with luxury brand purses and other gifts she like to, takes her out on dream vacations that she likes. My brother in law always has her back, and always emotionally support her, even when as sisters, I don't give her my full support. My brother in law takes good care of her family, his in law side. He has let my dad, my third sister, and me stayed with them for a decade. He has no problem including my name for car insurance, cell phone, and before health insurance. Similarly, my third oldest sister is currently engaged to her long time beau, and he too gives her the number one spot in his life. He lavishes her with brand name purses, clothing, trips, and recently, a jaw breaking almost two carat diamond ring. He buys my family foods when he's out of town, and spoils me with gifts and allowances. I am jealous how my boyfriend's sister doesn't have any responsibility because my boyfriend or her mom takes care of it all for her, and how she has no bills to pay. I am jealous of my boyfriend's family because of the tremendous amount of love he gives to them.

Jealousy is two blades on a sword. It can be good, but it can be bad. It all depends on how well we can control our feelings for the wanted that we don't have. Jealousy can lead to hurt feelings. I am learning to not be jealous of my sisters and my best friend, but its hard for me because I don't think I have anything worth it for others to envy. I am not smart for others to envy. I am not good looking for others to hate. I am not rich for others to wish to be like. I have bills to pay with my meager paycheck. I have responsibilities to follow while living with my sister and brother in law. I have to worry about my professional career. That's why, sometimes I wished I can boast to others about my boyfriend. I know its silly, but my best friend doesn't have a boyfriend. Its the only person I have. I like to tell my sisters what my boyfriend has done, to make them feel happy that I've found a guy who treats me well. However, i know that only i learn to be content with the life I am blessed with.  I hoped that by writing and mediating, I can learn to be calm and appreciate my life, and the little things my boyfriend does for me.

My boyfriend part 2

When we are in a relationship, we are expected to share our happiness, our obstacles, and our life together with our partners, in order to make them feel comfortable and belong. By sharing our deepest emotions and secrets with our beloved partners, this can only build on a stronger foundation for the relationship. We build trust for each other because we can confide with one another. We build a stronger and more passionate love for each other. We become more understanding of what our partner needs and doesn't need. We can not be selfish and only  share the good news that happens in our life, leaving behind the sorrows and obstacles hidden in our hearts. A relationship is a working progress built by two people, who truly loves each other, and who truly doesn't want their partner to be sad. In a relationship, it is never straight. It has its bumpy moments, and curvy times, but we should understand that no matter how bumpy the road is, we have our partner besides us. Unfortunately, my boyfriend doesn't feel that way, and doesn't treat me that way.

Tonight after I talked with my boyfriend on the phone, my boyfriend made me feel offended and sad, but he never realized that he always does this to me. My boyfriend told me on the phone that he was feeling exhausted. I asked him why, and asked if it was a physical cause or an emotional cause. My boyfriend just simply replied emotional exhaustion. Of course, I continued to ask him once more, why he feels emotionally exhausted, but he just replied that everything in his life is making him feel that way. That means,both his family and myself are overwhelming him. I continued to ask what we did to make him feel such way, but he said that he will be OK, and he doesn't want to talk about it. I am offended that he doesn't treat me like a real partner, and believes that I can be sympathetic for his situations. I am sad because this hurts my feelings. It has happened many times. I feel like an outcast. I want to know what his family did to make him feel stress. Is it because he's tired of going to church with his dad? Is it because he's tired of the family he has grown up in, with his parents unable to happily live together like any old couples? Is he stress out living with his dad, and not living with his mom? Is he worry about money? I want to know what I did to make him feel stress out emotionally. Is it because I always ask for gifts and vacations? Is it because I'm rushing him into marrying me? Is he worry whether he can not afford for me an engagement ring i like? Is he scared that we won't be happy together? Is it because he thinks I won't get along with his parents once I move in with him? There are endless questions that pops in my head whenever he tells me he's exhausted and sad.

My boyfriend doesn't understand that its important for him to share his feelings with me. Only sharing how he feels, can only improve our relationship because I will better understand as a friend and lover. I know that even if he tells me about his problems, I probably can't do anything to help him, but by expressing one's feelings, we can feel better. I really don't know why my boyfriend feels stress out, but everyone in this world has their own problems. I am hurt every time he chooses not to share with his personal problems because I feel like he doesn't treat me as someone close enough for him to exploit his feelings. It makes me feel like he doesn't trust me, which only hurts me more. When I'm sad, I tell my boyfriend everything, and I know he can't do anything, but having him listen to it, makes me a little better. I want to be able to do the same thing for him. This happens so many times between us, but my boyfriend just doesn't understand that the more he does this, the more he's pulling me away and only hurting me. I wished my boyfriend would be able to open his heart and give me his hands, so that I can heal any wounds he may have, and lift him up when he falls. 

Kona Grill

Kona Grill, a mix of Asian and American  inspired cuisines, located in the Domain offers an extensive amount of edibles for friends and families. At Kona Grill, you will find a diverse menu option ranging from sushi, sashimi, pasta, burgers, fish, and steaks. Its blend of east meets west makes this restaurant a unique restaurant for all food lovers. And what's better than having a good dinner, is its affordable price.

My favorite time to go eat at Kona Grill is during happy hour, open on weekdays from 3-7pm, Saturdays from 1-4pm, and all day Sunday. Happy hour for me is not about the drinks, but the cheap and delicious foods. During happy hour, I love to order it half price sushi, ranging from $3 or $6. My favorite sushi there is the Bama roll, made with crab meat, placed with a tuna on top, and sprinkled with crab crushing. It is very tasty, and fulfilling. My other favorite roll is the Voodoo roll, made with crawfish and cream cheese. Both of these rolls look pretty when presented on the dish, but most importantly, tastes great for only $6! Besides sushi, I enjoy their calamari. The calamari is crunchy in every bite, and layered on top of a bed of lettuce. Beside it, is the dipping sauce, which only enhances the flavors of the calamari. For an added tanginess, squeeze the provided lemon on top of the calamari. Again, these calamaris are only $6, and the portion is big enough to feed a family of four. Another dish I like during happy hour is their BBQ chicken flat bread served on a wooden cutting board. This is pizza made with a thin layer of crust. For the toppings, there are BBQ chicken, onion, and cilantro. The crusts are crunchy, and the middle parts are cheesy and mouth watering. All of these great eats are $6, and a few are $3, making it very affordable!

Kona Grill happy hours are the perfect time to go eat with your friends, your families, or even your boyfriend/girlfriend. My boyfriend and I enjoy happy hour here so much, because of its great outdoor atmosphere, affordable menu, and of course delicious foods!  It makes a great date night, especially on Sundays, since its open for happy hour all day or simply a little brunch. With the happy hour menu, we can all enjoy  the good foods without breaking our bank, and giving us all a break from cooking.

Meaning of Love

When we say "I love you" to our partner, what does it really mean? This three word phrase entitled to several unspoken promises and vows that both partners must dutifully adhere to. We promise our partners that we will always love them, always take care of them no matter how poor or how sick or how ugly or how fat they will be in the future, and always to provide them with endless amounts of  support when no one else has their back. We promise that we will grow old together, and that we will build a family together. Such promises can not be broken for it symbolizes the commitment that they have for each other. So each time when we say, "I Love You," we are actually telling our partner how much that person means the world to them, and when we say it, it is a reminder for us to keep our promises each and every day. With that, our love for one another has massively acculmuated each passing day, and we have come to understand the true meaning of love. With love, we are able to strive in all apsects of our lives because we have the mutual support from our partners. We know that no matter what happens, our partner will have our backs, and lend us their shoulders when we need to cry.

Dating my boyfriend has truly taught me what it means to love someone. I have never loved anyone, and since the day my boyfriend walked in my life, I have understood that love comes with commitments and scarfices that we must all uphold to. I have learned to be the girlfriend that he deserves, and I know that sometimes, I don't do a good job being the partner next to him, but each day, I am learning how to. I have made a new best friend, who is always empathic and willing to listen to me talk. I have found a partner that I want to hold hands, and explore the rest of the world with me. I am learning how to be the partner he needs. I am learning to be calm and considerate, like him. He complements me because what I am not, he is. I am not calm, but he is. I do not have patience, but he does. I am not very understanding of certain situations, but he is. With that, my boyfriend has changed me into a woman, who is mature and all grown up. Similarly, I hope with my presence in his life, he has become the man of more responsibilities. With that, in all relationships, we need each other, and our love for each will grow each day, and will help us become the better person we are. 

2-8-2014

Today I went out with my boyfriend, and I was pessimistic that it would be boring, but today turned out to a very nice day. I was really touched when I told my boyfriend that I was ready for me to come pick me up, and he texted me and said he was already here. Apparently, he was waiting in the car in front of my house all along. I was touched, and I felt bad for making him wait a long time. These little things that my boyfriend does really makes me feel happy inside. Then he took me to Bath and Body Work at Round Rock, so I can travel size hand sanitizers. While we were there, one of the employee there used to go to my middle school. We were in the same PE class. She recognized me too, but I jokingly told her I'm not who she was referring to. My boyfriend and I bought bubble tea and Chick-fil-a to bring home to eat. Once we got home, I was the nice honey and I did my boyfriend without him asking me to. I wanted my boyfriend to realize that I am marriage material, and realize that I can take care of the family, no matter how spoil I am.

My boyfriend and I discussed our summer vacation plan today, and I knew I was stressing out my boyfriend once more. I wanted to visit both Colorado and Arizona this June for my birthday, and for hopeful proposal celebration. My boyfriend wanted to only visit one of those places because he was afraid it will be over his budget. I assured him that I can pay for the airfare and he can pay for the hotel, which is much cheaper. I did not want to stress out my boyfriend because I know that he will shut down on me, and he will eventually be sad. Going on vacation is supposed to be a fun time, not a stress consuming time. I guess, we can go to only one place, but I've been planning to visit north states that I can visualize it. I just wished my boyfriend shared the same interest of traveling like me, and if only I had a better income, then I sponsor the trip for my boyfriend.

Today, I wanted to ask my boyfriend if he will propose to me this summer, as I hope, but I can tell that I was going to annoy him even more, so I didn't. I really wanted to have some clue as to whether or not he will propose to me for my birthday because I'm so scared and nervous that he won't. If I go on believing that he will, then when the day comes and he doesn't, I'll be extremely sad and heartbroken once more. I want to tell myself that no matter what, I have to be strong, and be happy, and be independent. Deep inside, I am really afraid that he won't propose to me because it happened so many times when I expect it to happen,it didn't. I trued to not think about it, but the days are counting closer to my birthday. I pray that this time will actually happen because I don't want to wait any longer. I know that my boyfriend is worried about money, but I can help him. Every month now, I tried to put in as much money as I can into my savings account for our future. A part of me is happy that my birthday is drawing near because we can go on the vacation. Then a part of me is scared because I don't know if he will propose to me. I don't know if I will be happy on the trip or if I'll be heartbroken and sad. I hope my boyfriend will realize that my love for him is true, and that he won't be nervous about marriage in any aspects. Every time he is sad or he worries, then I feel sad and ashamed of myself. Well,today has been a long night. Good night!!

Babies

Babies are the most special gift that parents are blessed with. Babies symbolize purity, innocence, and most importantly, a new beginning. A baby's birth, does not just represent a new leaf, but it represents the commitment of love that both the parents have for one another. About a year ago, my maternal love for babies started, and gradually developed more and more. Now in my mid 20s, and been dating my boyfriend for almost three years, I've begin to want to be a mom. I want to be the mother that I didn't have as a child growing up, who always needs her mother's shoulders to cry onto. I want to be the hands on mother for my future children. I want to go to every school plays, every soccer practice, every teacher parent conference. I want to give my children the privileges that I didn't have as a child. I want to take my children on vacations every year with my boyfriend, and their father.

Every time I see a baby, my heart just melt and I'm madly in love with their cute face and adorable gestures. Every time I see a baby, I hurriedly ask to carry the baby, and shower the young princess or prince with my kisses. I certainly can't wait until the day I can become a mother myself because that will be the second happiest day of my life. My happiest day would be when my boyfriend proposes to me, signifying he is ready and committed to start a new chapter with me. My boyfriend and I have talked about our future quite a few times. My boyfriend wants to have as many kids as possible, but I want just three or four little ones. My boyfriend prefers boys over girls because he thinks boys will be more filial and will take care of us when we are older, just like he is the only person who takes care of his parents. I favor girls over boys because I want to dress them up, let them go to ballet classes, go shopping with me, and do girly things with me. My boyfriend and I have even came up with names for our future children: Ava, Ariel, and Aiden. I can not wait until the day comes when I'm granted this special gift because I know that my boyfriend and I will both love and cherish our child forever. I believe that I have maternal instincts, and that I can provide endless amount of love for my family, and I know that I can take good care of the family and the home I've been eager to build. Now, I'm just hoping that my boyfriend feels ready to be a father, and I hope that he still remembers that I'm just waiting for him. Waiting until the day he proposes, waiting until the day we move in together, and waiting until we can finally start a family.

Childhood Part 2

I was born in Saigon, Vietnam to a hot tempered daddy who loves his family very much, and to a gambling craze mother who was very strict to her daughters. My grandpa ( on my daddy's side) was a well known magistrate in the city. Everybody in town knew my grandpa, and of the good deeds he has done. My grandpa was one of the wealthiest person in Saigon,and he bought this three story mansion for all of his ten children to live. My other grandpa (on my mom's side) was a businessman, leasing homes to others for rent. Because of both of grandparents' prestige and wealth, my parents were like the modern day Prince William and Duchess Kate. My parents did not have to work to make ends meet. We had a nanny and a housekeeper who cooked for us, cleaned our house, and took care of my sisters and me. My mommy didn't have to cook for us, especially since she didn't know how to cook.  My mommy would occasionally sell homemade yogurt on the streets when she was bored. Due to my grandpa's status as a magistrate in Saigon, my daddy was granted permission to not enter the war at that time. My family lived the life we could ever wanted, having everything at the tip of our finger. However, it soon changed.

Shortly after I was born, my mommy was diagnosed with brain tumor. My mommy was hospitalized for a really long time, so long that I had no vivid memories with her. The only memory I have about her, was when I was a little over one and my daddy took me over to visit my mother for the first time in awhile. I remembered running up the stairs, and standing in the front of the room, looking at the lady in bed with open arms for me to run to. She told me to come to her, but I yelled back, that she was not my mommy!! My mommy was dressed in the white hospital gown, with tubes and bandages all over her arm, and her hair was shave off, and she was wearing a hat. My mommy realized that I was scared of the bandages and the tubes the doctors placed on her arm, so she immediately took it off. When she took it off, I realized that was my mommy, and I yelled out, " mommy!!!". I wish I have more memories of my mommy, so that I can think more about her, and not have to wonder from the stories I hear from my sisters who she was.

Unfortunately, my mommy passed away a month before my birthday. My mommy passed away because the doctors in Vietnam were unprofessional, uneducated, corrupted, and money-greedy people. After operating to remove my mommy's brain tumor, the doctors were incompetent and failed to properly stitch and bandage my mommy's wounds carefully. My mommy passed away, not because of brain tumor, but because of infection when they failed to tightly bandage her after surgery. This ultimately lead to the leakage of the fluid from the brain, and causing an infection. My daddy spent countless amount of money for my mommy's treatment, but no matter how he spent, the greedy doctors couldn't save her. My daddy told me he had to bribe the doctors and nurses there, so that they would operate on my mommy first, and so that they would be extra careful when it was surgery day. For this reason, my daddy and I both resent the doctors and nurses in Vietnam, because all they wanted was money. If we didn't have the money, then those doctors and nurses would have turned us down? I wished there was a way for them to be punish for being so greedy, and corrupted. Doctors are supposed to give patients medical treatments because of  their medical expertise, and help the sick,not demand countless amount of money for their selfish deeds!!!

After my mommy passed away, my daddy finally decided to immigrant to America. We would have immigrant here in 1992, but there was some paperwork issues because the government officials in Vietnam didn't believe I was my daddy's biological daughter. After I was born, my parents decided to put my third uncle as my father on documents because they thought he was going to move to Australia. My parents wanted me to be able to have the best in life. So it took awhile for the my daddy and my uncle to switch the names of my documents. That was why we finally came to America in 1995. Our life in America not only opens new doors of opportunities, but also some very unpleasant events.

Valentine's Day!!!

Valentine's Day is next week, and it will be my third Valentine's Day with my boyfriend. However, this year I am not that excited because I don't think it will be any special, and my enthusiastic about it has dwindled down. This Valentine's Day, my boyfriend has to work the late shift, and won't be home till midnight. I've asked my boyfriend to request to work only half day that night, so he can finish work at 7:00pm, and we can go to dinner. For this year, I didn't make any reservation or had plans to eat at a special place because I don't see the point anymore. My boyfriend is not romantic, and he doesn't seem to see that these occasions mean a lot to women. Therefore, we plan to eat at a simple Vietnamese restaurant, Sea Dragon, and I'm pretty sure it won't be booked that night. For this year, I know that my boyfriend didn't make any special plans to order for me flowers or chocolate covered strawberries. Instead, this year I took the initiative to pre-order for me a dozen chocolate covered strawberries under my boyfriend's name at Amy's Ice Cream shop. I've scheduled to have them pick up in the evening, after 7:00pm. It seems silly of me to plan my own Valentine's day evening, but I know my boyfriend doesn't care about these holidays. When I always plan for my own occasions, sometimes I think my boyfriend doesn't care.  For this year, I have begged my boyfriend for an Instax Mini 8 Camera in pink, retailed price for $69.99, and a packet of 50 films for $30. I wanted this cute camera for several reasons. First, I wanted this camera because I love to do scrapbooking, but I have not done so in a long time. I used to print my photos off at Walmart, and it would be costly, about $20 each time. With my own camera, I can instantly get the pictures right away, and  I don't have to order through Walmart. Second, I love taking pictures wherever I go. My iPhone is loaded with pictures of my boyfriend and me, so much that it crashes my iPhone regularly when I want to take more pictures. With this camera, I would take it with me to our summer vacation, and I can have fun with it. Third, I want this camera because I want to be able to gloat to my sisters and best friend what my boyfriend has bought for me for Valentine's Day. Yes, I know I can afford this camera, but it's more special to receive it as a gift from the person you love. I want my sisters and my best friend to think that I'm a lucky girl, spoiled by her boyfriend with the gift she wants. I want my boyfriend to look good in my sisters' eyes. However, I don't think my boyfriend will present me with this camera that I really want because every time I asked him for it, he would get mad and say "no". On top of that, this year, he may not even celebrate Valentine's day with me because he isn't sure if he wants to request off early. My boyfriend told me he wanted to save his vacation hours for later in the year.

I don't have hope that this year will be special anymore. I remembered our first Valentine's day together, and that was the first time I ever celebrated Valentines day with anyone. That year, I reminded my boyfriend to make reservation at a nice restaurant, but he procrastinated until the day before. He called Red Lobster to make reservation, but they don't take reservation. He told me probably that night won't be too busy, hence that's why they don't take reservations. On the night of valentine's day, my boyfriend came around 5:30pm to pick me up. I wore a body hugging purple dress, cropped leather jacket, and a Tory Burch sandal I borrowed from my sister. My boyfriend wore a green button up shirt, with dark denim. When he came to pick me up, he handed me a bouquet of colorful daisies still wrapped in the Walmart bag. I was already disappointed with the flowers for two reasons. First, the flowers were still placed in the Walmart shopping bag. This showed that my boyfriend didn't bother to plan ahead of time to order me a nice set of bouquet. Even if he bought them from Walmart,he should have taken the shopping bag away. Second, no one gives their sweetheart on Valentine's day colorful daisies. Those type of flowers are more suited for mothers or teachers, not for lovers. My boyfriend handed me a card he bought, but I didn't bother to open it because I was already disappointed with what was in store for me. As we were driving to Red Lobster, it took my boyfriend an extra long time because he was lost, and he couldn't find out where it was located. When we got to the restaurant, the wait was extremely long. We had to wait for almost two hours before we can seated for dinner. While we waited in the car until our alarm beeped, I was upset at my boyfriend. This was not how I envisioned my first Valentine's day to be like. Finally, we were seated at this small table, making me feel cramp. Although the foods were good, the atmosphere just was not hitting the high note. I remembered just sitting there eating and minding my own business because I was very unhappy about that night. After dinner, my boyfriend drove me home because he had a headache. Usually he would want to spend the night with me, but we both felt that night was going downhill.

Therefore, I don't want to have anymore high expectations for my boyfriend this Valentine's day because I don't want to be disappointed time after time. Although last year's valentine's was better, but I was the mastermind behind it all. I always wind up planning for what I hoped my boyfriend for once takes all the credit. I don't have any dream valentines day, but I would like it if he actually put in some thoughts in making this day more special for us. I know my boyfriend very well, and I know that he won't do such things for me.  That's why this year will be extremely simple, but I don't even know if we can celebrate together , and I hope I would receive the camera I want. I hoped all the men in this world can realize that this day symbolizes the day of love. It symbolizes how much you love her, and how you want to make her day a little special because she deserves it. Unfortunately, my own boyfriend doesn't understand this, and assumes it is just another day.

Tonight I am...

For some reason, tonight I feel very sad and alone. I didn't tell my boyfriend and I didn't text with him tonight because I didn't know what to say to him. I don't know why I felt sad and lonely, but I am. For some reason, I think even if I told my boyfriend, he wouldn't do anything much. He's busy working, and he doesn't have time for me. I think one of the reasons I am sad is because I don't get to hang out with my boyfriend as often as I would like to. Before,  we would hang out a few days on the weekdays, and both days on the weekends. Before, I would wait for him to get off work at 4:00pm, and come over to pick me up, and go to his place to hang out. Then on weekends, we would hang out early, and he would take me out where ever I wanted to go. Before, he would called me everyday after work, as he was driving home from work, and he would frequently text me. Now, we only get to hang out once or twice  a week because of his work schedule. He now works from 3:00pm-12:00am, and I would work in the mornings, returning home around 3:00pm. He has been working this late shift for almost six months already, and I really don't enjoy my lonely nights. He has asked whether he should sign up for the same late shift or take up the morning shift, but I told him to pick the one he prefers. I rather him pick the morning shift, but I knew that he won't because the night shift pays more and he doesn't have to wake up early. With him working the late shift, the only time we can hang out is on Saturdays, and sometimes on Sundays. Some Sundays, he is tired or unhappy, and doesn't want to be around me.  We hardly get to talk or chat anymore. I know he tries to call or text me during lunch break to make me happy, but sometimes it's not enough. The only time of the day he contacts me is around 6:30pm. Sometimes a sweet " I love you" or a " I miss you" text message when he opens his eyes would warm my heart.

Truthfully, I feel very lonely, especially at nights. I don't have anyone to talk to, someone to care for me. I wished my boyfriend would have realized how I felt, but I know that he is too occupied to understand. I have to be the understanding girlfriend who allows her boyfriend to have his own space when he's unhappy, but when I'm not happy, I just wished I could run to him. Some days I don't want to go to work, and spend my mornings with him, but I know he won't like it. Well, I hope after a good night sleep, I will be energize to work tomorrow and be happy again.

My boyfriend

When we say we hope to find our perfect soulmates, then we are living in a world of disguise because the truth is, perfect doesn't exist. We are not perfect, neither are our significant others. We have flaws, that we wished were perfection, but we must face reality and understand that no one in this world is perfect. Instead, we can visualize what our ideal partner would be like in the future, and wonder if our ideal partner similarly matches who we had envisioned. But whether or not our significant other is as ideal as we have imagined, we know that nothing is stronger than the love we carry for one another.

When I was in my late teen years, my best friend and I would share what our ideal guy be like. My ideal guy was someone who had the brains and the looks. It sounds cliché, but that was what everybody wanted. I wanted my dream guy to be someone who's smart, has a high position at work, so he can make a lot of money for us. Besides that, I was looking for someone who was adventurous, loves to travel around the world with me. I wanted someone who didn't have a lot of baggage, and problems because I was looking for someone who was always happy. I wanted someone who treats me like a royal princess, pampering and spoiling me with simple acts of affection and love. Most importantly, I was looking for someone who was going to love me for me.

I can say that my boyfriend right now definitely does not embodies all of those traits. He doesn't make a lot of money. He works a simple computer eight hours shift job. He is not the adventurous type or the type who loves to travel. My boyfriend enjoys staying home, eating a home cooked dinner and sitting outside on the patio. My boyfriend carries with him too many problems, both personally and financially. Being the oldest in his family, his parents look for him for support, shelter, communication, and love. I know sometimes his parents demand him to do things he does not like, but he still wind up doing it. Not only does he carry personal issues, he has financial problems he bears. Being the oldest, he bears so much responsibility. He has to pay for all the bills,leaving him with little to nothing for savings for our future. Ever since he bought a two story house, way over his budget for his family to live comfortably, he has been swamped with financial stress.  Personally, I don't like this house at all because I think its too expensive for my boyfriend to pay alone. I tried to tell him before to buy a reasonable size home, with an affordable price tag, but he insisted that this is his dream home. I knew with that price tag, it would be long till we have a house of our own. Now, my boyfriend has promised me that we will only stay there with his parents for a few years, and then we will sell that place to buy two smaller homes: one for us, and one for his parents.

Because my boyfriend has to carry so many rocks on his shoulders, he's hardly happy. My boyfriend is not the happy person, like I had envisioned him to be. He gets stress and overwhelm with life easily, and he can't vent out on anyone. The one person he always vents out at is me. When I asked him to do something or when I nagged to much, he soon shuts down on me. I blamed his unhappiness on his childhood, growing up in an environment where his parents were constantly arguing, and communication was hardly asked of. His childhood has not only made him become a person who doesn't know how to be happy, but his childhood has made him pessimistic about marriage. Hearing his parents argued everyday, and witnessing his mom's sorrow marriage, made him prolonged marriage with me. I don't like it how my boyfriend uses his parents' unhappy marriage as the basis for our relationship. I wished he can get over it, and cherish the time with me, and not have one of those days when he's sad. When he's sad, he always shuts down on me, making me feel confused and tense out. I tried to tell him before that whatever happened to his parents won't happen to us because we truly love each other.

Sometimes, I hate it when my boyfriend is critical  of me and the things I do. His ideal girl is someone who is traditional, cooks and cleans after her husband. I don't mind cooking for him. When we first started dating, I would cook for him, and hide it from my sisters because I didn't want them to know I do so much for my boyfriend. Now, i don't cook much for him because his dad lives with him, making me feel uncomfortable.  Ever since we started dating, I've been doing his laundry. I don't do it in the way I prefer, but that's cause we don't see each other much. When he first bought this house, it was filthy. I spent my afternoons mopping the floors, scrubbing the oven and the microwave until it looked spotless, cleaning the sinks and toilets, wiped off every single drawer and lined it with linen paper. I did for him so much when he first bought the house because I felt like it was my new home too. I wanted to make this place our home together,regardless if his family was going to live with us. But no matter what I did or how much time I've put into being the woman who cooks and cleans for her partner, my boyfriend always retorts back with " I have to see to believe". Meaning he has to see that I can cook and clean, in order to believe me. Then what have I been doing all that time?? Sometimes, I feel like my boyfriend is a hypocrite because he expects me to resemble his mom, and be the housewife she excels in. My boyfriend always tells me to not compare, but he always compares my inability to cook delicious foods, and be the housewife he wants. I wished my boyfriend would realize that I can do all of those things because I have done them for him for the past few years because every time he said that, he hurts my feelings. I feel unappreciated and I feel like he just wants a maid more than a wife.

Although my boyfriend is not my ideal guy, and some may suggest that we should break up and go our separate ways, but I won't do that in a million years because I truly love him. I understand that no one in this  world is perfect, and I am not going to be on the hunt for that perfect guy. Instead, I'm going embrace who he is and love him unconditionally. I love the way my boyfriend is always so calm, no matter how annoyed he may get, he's still calm. I love how my boyfriend is a responsible man, and because of this, I believe that he will be a great husband and father who will always take good care of his family.  I love how my boyfriend spoils me and treats me to dinners, buys me gifts, and takes me on vacations. I understand that he's not a millionaire, and he can't lavish me with gifts endlessly, but I appreciate every thing he has done for me. Most importantly, I love my boyfriend because I know that he truly loves me with all of his heart, and I'm truly happy when I'm with him.  My boyfriend truly cares for me. He tries to make me happy, even when he's unhappy. He tries to be supportive of my actions, and he tries to take care of me, even though we aren't even marry. He is a man with responsibility, integrity, and love for me.

No one in this world is perfect,so if we continue to be disappointed that our partner is not perfect, then we are the ones who are selfish enough to shape our partner. Instead, we should embrace their flaws and their strengths. We need to understand that their good and their bad shape who they are now, and we have fallen in love with that quirky, dorkiness, and enthusiastic sense of behavior. We should adore our partners, and be the unspoken person behind our partner's decision in life. Therefore, I know that no matter how many flaws I hate about my boyfriend, at the end of the day, I am grateful to have him in my life. I count my blessing to be blessed with a person like him, and I pray that we can walk this journey till its over together, and I hope my boyfriend feels the same about me.

Daddy ( part 1)

A few years ago, my daddy moved back to Vietnam to live. I can say that I was not the best daughter during my teenage years, always trying to talk back and be the rebellious daughter he had. When he moved back to Vietnam, I hardly talked on the phone because when we did talk on the phone, all he asked was for me to send him money. I didn't like it how money was the only thing my daddy seemed to care about.  I was just a college student, not making enough money to spare. My sisters every month would send him about $100 or so for his expenses, since we assumed that he was living with my uncle, and we assumed that the living expenses in Vietnam was cheap. Then two years later, my daddy was severely ill. He has two type two diabetes, and for some reason,his glucose level sky rocket to the 500s. My sisters sent hundreds of dollars within a week, hoping the doctors there can lower his sugar level. He was hospitalized for almost two weeks, and during those two weeks, I called him three times a day. I told my daddy that after I finished summer school, I will visit him. He was so happy when I told him that. On the third week, he was given permission to be discharge, but I wished he just stayed in the hospital. Within a few days returning home, my sister received a deadly call notifying us of that our dad has just passed away. At that moment, I wished it was a joke. I wished my daddy was behind that phone laughing, because he was all better. That was what the doctor said.

Looking back, I wished that my daddy had never returned back to Vietnam. He was tired of living with my second oldest sister because they had some dispute over money, and this lady in Vietnam constantly. If he wouldn't have  returned back to Vietnam, then he wouldn't have to be in the hands of doctors who did not know what they doing. Personally, I loathe doctors in Vietnam because I don't think they are educated enough to understand how to treat a human being without being corrupted, and constantly asking the patient for more money. It happened once to my mom, and now he happened to my dad.

When my daddy lived here in America with us, he always argued with my sisters over so many trivial things. He would always want to visit Vietnam for a month, and come back. My sisters always tell him to stay there longer, so he won't have to spend much on air fare. Then they would argue about the living situation because my daddy did not have a house of his own. After my sister married,we stop living with my aunt and uncle, and we moved in to live with her. I'm grateful that my sister and my brother in law has allowed us to live with them, but I wished my second oldest sister was not that ill tempered, always arguing with my daddy, and making him ashamed to live with his son in law.

Back then, I would always get mad at daddy easily too. I did not like it when I would buy my daddy gifts, and he would not use it because he saved them to give to people in Vietnam. I would get mad at my daddy, and I don't understand why he does that. The topic of discussion for my daddy always involved money, and as I grew up, I didn't feel the strong bond we had anymore. I told myself back then that my daddy was not like other dad, who would care and place their children first in line. My daddy placed money and this lady he was seeing, or I thought those were his priorities.

Now, I wished my daddy was here. I don't care if he wants a million dollars or wants to be with that lady. All i want is to have my daddy again. Two years have passed since his death, but I still can't get over it. When I was sad, I would always talk to him, and he would always spoil me. Now, when I'm sad, I don't have my daddy anymore to tell him people who mistreated me. I wished my daddy can hear me talk when I'm sad because some things, even my boyfriend can't be the ideal listener. I'm disappointed at myself for hurting my relationship with my daddy. If time can rewind, then I would want to be with my daddy more than with anyone else.

Today is...

Today I felt very sad and unhappy with my life. I guess after the talk I had with my boyfriend last night about life, made me feel hopeless and ashamed of where I am now. I feel hopeless because I think my life has no clear pathways. I am currently just a substitute teacher, even though I have already graduated with a B.S. in psychology, but with the crazy job market out here, finding a job with the credentials I have is tough. I don't want to return back to school because I feel like school gives me tremendous stress. Along with worrying about my professional pathway, I'm constantly worried about money. I don't like paying rent to my sister because I wished I can save that money for my personal leisure like going on vacations with my boyfriend or buying me gifts so I won't pester my boyfriend. Then I worried about the relationship with my boyfriend. I always get worried that he won't call me or hang out with me like he said he would. Yesterday we hung out, but I wasn't happy because I wanted him to give me all the attention, and just cuddled with me. Instead, he was too focused on his movie, that I felt neglected. I know I'm wrong to act and feel that way, but I constantly feel scared that my boyfriend will avoid me when he is having one of his sad days. I battled worrying about so many things in my life, and I've become a hypocrite for my own motto, which is to live life.

Today, I was reluctant to go to work because my mind set was feeling unhappy, and I just wanted to drive over to my boyfriend's house and sleep with him. But I didn't do that. Two things came to my mind. First, if I didn't work today,then I wouldn't have my $80 a day. A month I probably less than a grand, but its better than nothing. I thought to myself that losing $80 a day for this month will be a lot, so I said to myself I have to work. Another reason, I decided to work was because of my boyfriend. I wanted to come over today, sleep and cuddle with him, watch him sleep, but I decided not to. Every time I come over his house on a weekday, my boyfriend would be happy to see me, but then for no reason, he would act sad, and shut out on me. I think it's a curse or something bad. I've noticed it happen several times when I spent my weekday mornings at his place, he would then shut me down the following day. I rather have my boyfriend talk on the phone with me everyday, and for him to be happy, then for me to see him one day, and have him shut off on me entirely. Now at work, I feel very tired and I don't feel like I belong here. I belong in a place where I don't feel belittle and small.

Last night my boyfriend mentioned about this girl who liked him back in his hometown, and how he felt sad for her. She was pregnant, but her then boyfriend at the time, left her and the baby. My boyfriend felt bad for her. Sometimes I don't give my boyfriend enough credit like I should. When I heard him talked yesterday, he seemed concern for her. A part of me was feeling jealous because he's my boyfriend. I didn't want him to think, see, feel, or talk with another woman who has no familial ties with him. Then a part of me felt proud and honor to have a boyfriend who is always condsidetate, thoughtful, and kind to others. He is so calm and cool in every way that my boyfriend always worries and always thinks about other people. From that, I know that my boyfriend will be a great husband and father because he's nurturing. However, I do hope that my boyfriend would not love anyone else but me and have a family with me.

Teachers in the Public School System

Teachers are people who enlighten, educate, and lead today's youth into learning new skills that can be successfully applied to their life. Teachers are people who possess many special traits that work to help students achieve what they want in life. Teachers act as nurturers, patience and caring for their students' weaknesses, and always eager to motivate students to do their best. While teachers work to enlighten, educate, and lead the new generation of learners, teachers are constantly juggling to make everything suit the needs of the students, the parents, and the administrative assistant principals.

Last month, I was given the privilege to work as a long term substitute teacher for an eighth grade language arts class. Working during this month and a half has given me the insight, and the behind-the-scenes understanding of what teachers really do, how they feel, and obstacles they deal with on a daily basis. Nowadays, students are not motivated to learn, with the justification that they have to attend school. These students come to class, unprepared with the day's lesson plans, and acting completely irresponsible and unprofessional. While working as their eighth grade teacher, when I had assigned projects due a certain time, the majority of the students would not submit in their assignments, with many failing to turn in the projects worth an assessment grade until the semester was over!!Consequently, I had to assign students who failed to turn in their assignments detentions and referrals, which all of these students took so lightly. I certainly did not like the option of giving students multiple chances to redo what they have been given the opportunity to complete. I do not think it is fair for students who have successfully completed the assignment, while giving those who chose not to do their work, chances after chances. If it were up to me, then I would only give students one chance to turn in their late assignment, with the consequence of thirty points deduction. Students need to be given severe consequences for their actions. This can only help their future once they reach college. Personally, I think that with the flexibility and leniency that teachers are on acting, this will give students a reality check once they reach college. College is not a place where second chances are given. You fail means you fail. While working as the long term substitute teacher, I had to deal with several failing students. Unfortunately, the administrators and assistant principals expect that the data shows no failing students to ensure that their school is the best school. Why are administrators and assistant principals wanting to make their school look stellar, and advocating the no failing students rule? Students who fail should be repeated in that same grade level, until they have successfully passed on their own. When any of my students who were failing, the only thing that I was able to do was give them detentions. What does detention really do to make students understand that failing grades are a red flag alert? Contrary to all that, teachers who decided to fail a student are expected to fill out extensive amount of paperwork, asking them to verify what they have done to help the student improve his grades. Personally, I think that the administrators are just working to achieve a zero failing grade, and to be represented as the best school for that school district. Parents do not have the insight to understand that those numbers and data reflecting the failing and passing rates, are all just falsely represented.

While working with eighth graders, I not only encountered the lack of responsibility and the lack of care for school from these students, but I also had to deal with behavior and attitude issues. The majority of these students fail to learn to respect me, as their teacher, and fail to learn to listen and do what is asked of them, I do not like to baby teenagers, who are mature and old enough to understand what they should and should not be doing. While working during this month and a half time frame, students who were disrespectful towards me or another student was given a parent phone call. I do not like making parent phone calls because most parents do not believe that their sweet child is behaving in that disrespectful manner. With that being said, parents need to discipline their child in a strict fashion, so that students can come to school, without any talking back, rude attitudes, and any smart talk moves.

This teaching experience has taught me that students are given such flexibility in school, and this will in turn hurt them. The public school standards seem to have been lowered to raise the passing rates, and making those schools look prestigious.